


Exile

by menel



Series: The Blind Verse Companion [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Episode Related, M/M, Memory Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 07:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/menel/pseuds/menel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy wants Dean to remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exile

**Author's Note:**

> Episode-centered fic set during 4x20 The Rapture. Follows the events in ["Pedilavium"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/691005) and ["Apotheosis."](http://archiveofourown.org/works/697274) All three fics are a prequel to ["Respite"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/429952). 
> 
> This story was originally posted on my LiveJournal on February 11, 2011.

The sun was warm on Dean’s face, the lake perfectly still. He sat in a folding chair on a small wooden dock, a fishing rod in his hand. It was a gorgeous day. It was the type of day that hearkened back to an idyllic time that Dean no longer believed existed. At least, they didn’t exist in his life. That’s how he knew he was dreaming. 

That notion appeared to be confirmed when Castiel appeared on his right. Dean was startled when he looked up and Castiel immediately placed his left hand on Dean’s shoulder to reassure him. Dean sighed. 

“I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” he asked the angel. 

“Yes.” 

Dean felt the weight of Castiel’s hand on his shoulder and he found it to be an oddly comforting gesture. The angel didn’t go much for physical contact, so the action itself was surprising. Did it count if it was in a dream? 

“You know, Cas,” Dean said, adjusting the fishing rod, “some ‘me’ time in my dreams would be nice.” 

“There is no time for that,” Castiel said, somewhat abruptly. 

The grip on his shoulder tightened and Dean looked up as much from the gesture as from the note of urgency that he heard in Castiel’s voice. “Something wrong?” 

Castiel’s eyes scanned the lake as though he were looking for something. “We need to talk,” he said at last. 

“So talk.” 

“Some place safe.” 

“We’re in my _head_ ,” Dean pointed out. 

“Precisely.” Castiel looked down at him. “Someone could be listening.” 

Before Dean could process how disturbing that thought was, Castiel was slipping a folded piece of paper into his hand. “Meet me here,” he instructed and then he was gone.

* * * * *

“This place is a wreck,” Sam noted as he and Dean made their way through the destroyed warehouse. “What do you think happened here?”

“Some kind of battle,” Dean answered. 

“Between whom?” 

Dean shrugged. His guess was as good as Sam’s. His flashlight passed over the wall on his left and illuminated a large red mark. Dean focused the light on it. “Hey,” he said, getting Sam’s attention. “Look familiar? Anna used something similar.” 

“To banish angels,” Sam finished for him. “You think there was an angel-on-angel battle here?” 

“Whatever happened here, it wasn’t good,” Dean said, trying to still his growing concern for their friend. “We gotta find Cas.” 

It was only a few moments after that the brothers stumbled across the unconscious angel lying on a collapsed container.

* * * * *

Dean didn’t think it was possible to get indigestion from watching someone eat, but he was pretty sure that’s what happened to him after seeing Jimmy Novak devour two bacon cheeseburgers, two large fries, two large Cokes, a pack of onion rings and a peach cobbler. The guy could pack it in. He’d have to talk to Cas about eating from time to time, just so Jimmy wouldn’t starve. Although technically, Dean didn’t believe Jimmy was ‘starving’ when Castiel possessed his body. He’d always assumed that Cas maintained his vessel somehow. Things were obviously different when Castiel wasn’t around.

Dean sighed. Castiel. What the hell had happened to that angel? And what the hell was going to happen to Jimmy? 

Dean couldn’t answer the first question, but at least he had some idea of what to think about the second. Jimmy was a man of God, but he hadn’t fully understood what he was getting himself into when he had agreed to be Castiel’s vessel. After being chained to a comet for nearly a year, he was suddenly free. Dean’s impulse to help Jimmy get back to his family had kicked in immediately, but Sam’s more pragmatic approach had been the right one to take. Jimmy was in danger and returning to his family would only put them in danger as well. They had to protect him, and the only way to do that was to keep him close. And if Dean secretly hoped that Castiel could somehow return to his vessel, well, he kept that part to himself. The idea remained a possibility, no matter how slim it seemed at the moment. Jimmy, on the other hand, had not been too keen on the brothers’ plan and who could blame him? 

Dean turned the beer bottle he was holding around in his hands before taking a drink. As he put the bottle down, his eye caught the hem of a familiar khaki coat and he glanced to his left. Castiel – no, Jimmy – was standing there. 

“Sam let you out to play?” he asked lightly. 

Jimmy glanced behind him. “Your brother’s watching me from the doorway,” he answered. “I’m surprised he didn’t escort me out here.” 

Dean followed the direction of Jimmy’s gaze and saw his brother silhouetted in the doorway of their motel room. He lifted his beer bottle to acknowledge that Jimmy would be safe with him. Sam stood motionless a while longer before shutting the door. 

“Is this what it’s always going to be like?” Jimmy asked. “You two just gonna keep me under lock and key?” 

“Nah,” Dean replied. “Just as long as you don’t do anything stupid like . . . . oh, I don’t know. Run away?” he suggested, the lightness in his tone returning. 

Jimmy grinned at the joke and Dean was struck by how at ease the other man was in his own skin. Dean realized then that he’d be able to tell instantly if it was Jimmy or Castiel in the former’s body just by how the two of them moved. 

“You mind?” Jimmy motioned at the space beside Dean. 

“Nope,” Dean said, sliding across the hood of the Impala to give Jimmy room to sit beside him. Jimmy climbed aboard, while Dean once again noted the smoothness of his actions. He wondered if Castiel would have thought to sit beside him on the hood of his car, his baby. Jimmy clearly felt comfortable around Dean and for some reason, Dean didn’t find that strange. Without really thinking, he offered his bottle of beer to the other man and just as casually, Jimmy took the bottle, drank from it and then handed it back to Dean. 

“You star-gazing?” Jimmy asked after a little while. 

Dean laughed. “I don’t really look much at the heavens,” he said. 

Jimmy grinned again. “No, I guess you wouldn’t.” 

“So, what are you doing here?” Dean asked. “Ginormo getting to be too much for you? ‘Cos he actually is taking the first watch.” 

“I told your brother that I wanted to speak to you in private,” Jimmy replied. 

“You really have something to say or did you just want to get out of that room?” 

“A bit of both,” Jimmy admitted. 

A short silence followed while Jimmy thought of a way to begin and Dean absently twirled his beer bottle. 

“I lied in there,” Jimmy said quietly, the guilt evident in his voice. 

“You wanna be more specific?” Dean prodded. 

“About remembering.” At Dean’s sudden sharp glance, Jimmy hastily continued, “Not about what Castiel wanted to tell you,” he said forcefully. “That I really don’t know. I swear.” 

Dean relaxed a little, but even in the dim glow of the motel’s lights, Jimmy could detect a shadow of disappointment in the other man’s features. 

“I remember other things,” Jimmy said cautiously. “Things that Sam doesn’t need to know about.” 

Dean found this last statement strange, but kept quiet. What could Jimmy – or Castiel for that matter – possibly have to hide from Sam? Unless . . . unless what Jimmy remembered had something to do with Sam specifically, and that made Dean’s stomach turn. He hated keeping secrets from his brother, and he hated even more that Sam was keeping secrets from him. This would just be one more secret in their ever-growing list. What if it was something really terrible? What if Castiel had found out the secret behind Sam’s ever-growing psychic powers? 

As if reading Dean’s mind, Jimmy cocked his head slightly and said, “This doesn’t have anything to do with your brother. It’s about you and Cas.” 

“Me and Cas?” Dean echoed, clearly surprised. He hadn’t been expecting this. “What about me and Cas?” 

Jimmy chose his words carefully before replying. “You know how I said that Castiel possessing my body was like being chained to a comet?” 

“It was a pretty memorable description.” 

“It was pretty accurate too,” Jimmy added. “Most of the time, it’s like I’m there but not there. Like there’s a wall or a barrier between me and Castiel. I’m still me, but everything’s muted and dull. It’s as if I’m in a soundproof room, but one that has soft padding on the walls like you see in psychiatric hospitals so that mental patients don’t hurt themselves. Is this making sense?” 

“As much as it can for someone who hasn’t been possessed by an angel,” Dean said. 

“I think Castiel puts up that wall or barrier to protect me,” Jimmy said, “so that his grace doesn’t burn out my soul or something like that. But I think he also does it to protect himself, so that I can’t get too close to him.” 

“Well, privacy sounds like it’d be hard to come by,” Dean pointed out. While he found Jimmy’s experiences interesting, he couldn’t see how any of them had to do with him and Cas, but Jimmy was about to prove him very wrong. 

“Sometimes that barrier. . .” Jimmy hesitated. “Well, it doesn’t really come down, but . . . it becomes more . . . transparent. Sometimes, Castiel’s thoughts and feelings come through. Faintly, but they’re there.” 

“Castiel has feelings?” 

“Of course he does,” Jimmy said, a little too defensively. “He . . . well . . . most of the time he doesn’t know how to express them, so he just keeps them hidden.” 

“O-kay,” Dean said, still not sure where all this was headed. 

“And whenever they come through, they’re always related to you.” 

“Huh.” 

It probably wasn’t such an odd thing to say if Dean really thought about it. After all, he was Castiel’s strongest earthly connection. And he’d undoubtedly given the angel enough grief, some of it intentional, most of it not. Sure, if Castiel had feelings, they’d probably be related to Dean. Dean was his charge. It’s not as if Jimmy had specified what those feelings were, just that Castiel had them in relation to Dean. 

Dean was good at rationalizing. 

“You really don’t remember, do you?” Jimmy asked. 

Dean was drawing a blank. “Remember what?” 

Jimmy sighed. This was going to be hard. And awkward. He probably should’ve taken that as a cue to stop, but he had always been a stubborn, determined man. 

“There’s this room,” he began again, “with strange colored walls. Castiel’s brought you there several times. Sound familiar?” 

Dean shook his head. 

“There was the ritual,” Jimmy went on. “I don’t know what it was called. It had something to do with renewal. And it was important. To both of you.” He looked at Dean steadily. “It was _really_ important to Castiel. I’d never felt such happiness from him, such bliss. It was pure joy.” 

“Listen,” Dean was growing uncomfortable. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Strange rooms and strange rituals. Renewal or whatever. It’s sounding a little hokey. This isn’t a cult, man.” 

“Dean, this is serious.” 

“I’m sure you think it is,” Dean said, standing up. “But whatever feelings or thoughts or sensations you got from Cas, maybe you’re just not interpreting them right. Maybe you’re not even supposed to know. There’s a barrier. A wall, right? ‘Cos you’re not making any sense to me.” 

“Don’t you wonder why that is?” 

“No!” Dean snapped. He took a deep breath. “Sorry, that was out of line.” 

Jimmy shook his head. “It’s okay. I’m probably pushing too hard.” 

_Pushing what?_ Dean wondered even though another part of him didn’t want to know. “We should get back inside,” he told Jimmy. “It’s probably not safe to stay out here too long. You never know who’s watching.”

* * * * *

Jimmy would think about Dean’s words, “You never know who’s watching” as he faced down his former best friend now possessed by a demon. He was horrified at the thought that his family had been watched by demons who were just waiting for him to reappear. The Winchesters had been right. Going home had only put his family in danger. It had been an illusion to think that he could just return and pick up the pieces of his old life. Jimmy knew that things were going to end badly, but he wasn’t going to go down without a fight.

Then Sam and Dean had appeared and Jimmy had never been so thankful to see anybody. Dean quickly dispatched the demon that was holding Amelia hostage. Things were a blur after that. Jimmy remembered being bundled into the backseat of the Impala together with his family as Dean tore out of their once peaceful neighborhood. 

Eventually they were in an underground parking facility. Jimmy had only been reunited with his family, but he found himself once more saying good-bye. This good-bye was permanent, he understood that now, although he could spare Amelia and Claire that knowledge, at least, for a while longer. Their world had changed too radically in the last few hours. All they needed to know for now was that he loved them, that he had always loved them, and that he was doing his best to protect them. The rest could come later, even though Jimmy didn’t know when that would be. And so he heard himself echoing Sam’s earlier words, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” praying that they didn’t sound as hollow to Amelia’s ears as they did to his. 

Jimmy felt tired, bone-achingly tired. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this sort of fatigue, the kind that not only weighed him down physically, but seemed to leaden his heart as well. He caught sight of Dean leaning against the door to the driver’s side of the Impala and felt a sudden need to be close to him. He didn’t know where the feeling came from, whether it was even his feeling or some residual imprint that Castiel had left on his heart, but he knew that Dean, better than anybody in the world, would understand what he was going through right now. He needed to talk to him. They had unfinished business. 

The last time Jimmy thought he’d see his wife and daughter, they were standing beside an old tan sedan that Sam had broken into and jump-started for their journey. Jimmy sat in the middle of the backseat of the Impala. He didn’t turn around as he left his family behind.

* * * * *

“We need to fill ‘er up,” Dean said as he pulled into the nearest gas station. “You mind?” he asked Sam as he tossed his brother the keys. “I gotta take a leak.”

Sam went about filling the tank. He eyed Jimmy briefly when the latter stepped out of the car. He looked like he wanted to say something, but thought better of it. After their encounter with the demons, he figured that Jimmy had learned his lesson. He was right. 

“You want anything?” Jimmy asked him, motioning towards the convenience store. 

“Nah, I’m good,” Sam said. 

Jimmy nodded and went inside. His stomach wasn’t quite settled but it was an almost reflexive reaction that saw him heading toward the snack aisle. He was rifling through some Doritos when Dean found him. 

“I’m a barbecue man myself,” Dean said, taking the packet of tortilla chips off the rack. “You seriously hungry?” 

“No,” Jimmy replied, then shrugged. 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed. This so was not his style, but the question slipped out before he could stop it. “How you holding up?” 

Jimmy was visibly surprised by the question, but there was a spark of gratefulness in his eyes when he looked at Dean. He wanted to talk about this, but he didn’t know how to go about it. He appreciated that Dean was making an effort. 

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I think I’m in shock.” 

“You’ve been through a lot. So’s your family,” Dean added. He was quietly impressed with himself. Apparently, some of Sam’s sensitivity had rubbed off on him after all, which was a relief since Sam hadn’t been all that sensitive himself of late. 

“How do you do it?” Jimmy said, after a short silence. 

“Do what?” 

“What you _do_. Your sacrifices.” Jimmy shook his head. “How you just leave everything behind.” He looked so lost that for a moment Dean was reminded of Castiel. 

It was Dean’s turn to shrug. What was he supposed to say to _that_? 

“I don’t know,” he replied, echoing Jimmy’s earlier answer. “I’ve been on the road my whole life,” he said, “hunting demons. Killing monsters. I don’t know any other kind of life.” 

“It’s pretty fucked up,” Jimmy commented. 

“It is,” Dean agreed. 

“And I suppose this is the part where you tell me that it gets easier?” 

Dean shook his head. “No,” he said. “It really doesn’t.” 

Jimmy looked startled and then laughed. “Thanks,” he said. “I needed that.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Now what?” 

“Now you stick with us until –” 

“Until I can fend for myself?” 

Dean grinned. “Something like that,” he said. He turned to go to the cashier, but a hand on his arm stopped him. 

“Dean,” Jimmy said, stepping closer than Dean thought was really necessary. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. 

“No problem,” Dean replied. He was about to move but the grip on his arm didn’t loosen. He arched an eyebrow. “Something more?” 

“Yes.” Jimmy paused. “Castiel.” He felt Dean tense through the material of the other man’s jacket. Everything about Dean had tensed suddenly, but Jimmy persevered. “I was trying to tell you something before –”

“You don’t have to,” Dean interrupted. 

Jimmy stepped even closer. “Yes, I do,” he insisted, dropping his voice. “You won’t remember otherwise, and you need to know.” 

“Know _what_?” Dean hated that his own voice had a slightly hysterical edge. 

“That you and Cas –” Jimmy faltered. “That you and Cas are much closer than you realize,” he said at last. 

“If you’re trying to tell me that I’m BFF with an angel –” 

“You’re much more than that.” Jimmy gave him a knowing look that made Dean step back from shock. 

“Look, Jimmy.” Dean put his hand on top of the other man’s. He meant to pry Jimmy’s grip free from his arm but instead found Jimmy’s other hand on top of his. This was getting preposterous. 

“Dean,” Jimmy said, breaching the small distance between them again. “I’m not lying to you. I have no reason to.” His words were coming out in a jumbled rush now that he could finally speak about this. He could only hope that he was making sense. “It’s Castiel. He wiped your memories of your time with him. I don’t know why. It was something he felt like he had to do. But he’s wrong,” Jimmy babbled. “I think he’s wrong. I don’t know why I think that too, but I do. You should know. You have a _right_ to know.” 

“Am I interrupting?” 

Sam was standing at the head of the aisle, a mixture of amusement and concern on his face. 

Dean disentangled himself from what had fast become an awkward type of embrace. “No,” he said. “Everything’s fine. We’re fine. Just getting snacks,” he explained, waving his packet of Doritos a little too enthusiastically as he walked by his brother on his way to the cashier. 

Sam and Jimmy held their ground a moment longer before Jimmy followed Dean. He’d completely forgotten about his own snack, but it didn’t matter. He wanted to get back on the road as soon as possible.

* * * * *

Jimmy’s stint with the Winchesters proved to be far more short-lived than he’d imagined. Demons were devious bastards. For the second time in three days, Jimmy found himself in an abandoned warehouse but instead of waking up from an angel possession coma, he was there to barter for the life of his wife and daughter, the wife and daughter he’d tried to protect only several hours before. He was cleaning up Castiel’s mess. Castiel, the angel of the Lord whom he’d put so much faith in, only to be abandoned in this way. How he’d begged for Castiel’s help before he went inside that warehouse. His pleading had turned to cursing as the only answer he received was the cool stillness of the night. Silence. That was his thanks for his service.

Later, as Jimmy lay slumped against the wooden crates of the warehouse, aware that he was bleeding to death, he would grab his daughter’s hand, his daughter who carried the same blessing and curse to be an angel’s vessel. 

“Take me,” he would plead to the angel that possessed his daughter’s body. “Please, take me.” 

This time he understood completely what he was asking. That’s why he had to ask, to spare his daughter from that life. It was a sacrifice that any father would make. Jimmy’s life was no longer his own. It belonged in the service of God. Perhaps it had always belonged to God. It belonged to Castiel too, to do with as the angel wished. 

Just before Castiel touched him, Jimmy saw Dean out of the corner of his eye. Dean was oblivious to the exchange that was about to happen. His focus was solely on Sam, who was leaning over the body of a dead demon, his mouth covered in blood. The look of pure heartbreak on Dean Winchester’s face was the last thing Jimmy would remember.

* * * * *

Castiel stretched and stood up, readjusting to limbs that should have been familiar to him. Jimmy Novak’s body was very different from that of his daughter’s. He felt a little discomfort but it quickly passed. He walked towards the Winchesters as Amelia rushed to her daughter’s side. Claire remained sitting on the floor, clearly disoriented from the experience. Mother and daughter looked at him as though seeking comfort or reassurance. Castiel had none to give. They were not his family. He walked by Dean, unaware of how the hunter was looking at him strangely.

“Cas,” Dean said. 

Castiel stopped. 

“You were going to tell me something.” It seemed as if Dean wanted to say more, but couldn’t do so. 

Castiel shook his head. “I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean,” he answered. “I serve Heaven, not man.” Castiel’s voice hardened, steeling himself for the following words. “I certainly don’t serve you.” 

He quickly turned around, unwilling to see the reaction on Dean’s face. It broke his heart to tell Dean that. It was an outright rejection of something they had shared not too long ago. But Heaven did not tolerate rebellion and there were much greater forces at work than his paltry feelings for a human. It no longer mattered what he felt. He could not hurt Dean with his actions or his words. After all, Dean did not remember. 

 

**Fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: _Supernatural_ is the property of Eric Kripke and The CW. No infringement is intended, no profit is being made.


End file.
